Swimming Lessons
by SunrisePhoenix-ArsenicPixie
Summary: Latula and Dirk team up to be the best parents there ever were. Dirk/Latula (moirails) , Humanstuck. Sburb never happens. The story will eventually be about Dave and Terezi more than Latula and Dirk. Other characters mentioned by name will include Feferi, Karkat, John, Jake, Rose, Roxy, and Aradia, possibly more.
1. Dirk: Wake up

Two a.m. and the phone is ringing. Ringing and ringing and ringing and

"Hello?" you answer, groggily.

"Strider… wassup, dude?" You sigh. It's Latula Pyrope, and she's been your best friend since before you were cool, but she lives cross-country and doesn't really get the whole it's-not-morning-in-some-places thing.

"Latula, you're fucking with my sleep cycle again. Can this conversation wait a few hours?" You yawn and your bed looks so inviting…

"No," She giggles. Damn, you are not an early morning/ late-night person. "I was calling to tell you to answer your door." This must be more serious than you thought, if she's actually here. You hang up and answer the door to your shitty apartment. "Man, it really is a shit-hole in here, dude. I thought you were exaggerating but… wow…" She's standing on tiptoe to peek over your shoulder.

"Fine. Come on in, I guess. What did you need?" She actually looks embarrassed, for once in her life, and the makes your stomach sink.

"Remember the Felt? That gang up in LA? I'm in some trouble with them and unless I do a hell of a good job hiding, I am gonna be sleeping with the fishies, if you know what I mean." You sigh. You knew it was bad, but the Felt? That's more than just bad, that's horrifying. She continues, before you can respond, "And I kinda want a kid." Your mind is suddenly a complete blank. Why would she come to you for a kid?

"What?" You're at a complete loss for words, something that is rare for you. "Y'know I don't roll that way, right? Like, you're a pretty gal and all… not to mention hella rad… but I'm not into girls…" You finish your awkward statement and find yourself wishing you were still in bed.

"Pssh. Honey, we both know how fruity you are. I was just thinking that I needed a new name and a place to stay… and I'd always wanted a kid. So I thought, 'Hey, maybe Dirk and I can go get fake-married for a while, adopt a kid, and then dissolve the marriage once something better for him comes along…'" She trailed off and started looking sad and hopeless. You actually start to consider this mad plan for a bit. You make more than enough to support a small family, and most adoption costs can be lowered, depending on how in-need the child is… this could work.

"Well it wasn't how I planned on spending the year, but I guess it'll work." She grins and is about to start talking a mile a minute again, but you cut her off. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep. Some of us have weddings to plan."


	2. Dirk: Adopt a kid (2x combo!)

**[A/N: So... fairly certain that all of these characters are waaaaaaay OOC, but at this point I'm just gonna go with it. Maybe I'll fix it later? I dunno... Thanks for reading!]**

Months later, you and your moirail are standing outside of a dreary looking orphanage, documents in hand. You told her you were only going to adopt one kid, but she insisted upon filling out the paperwork for two, 'just in case'. You shrugged and went along with it, perfectly aware that arguing with her was useless.

Latula rings the doorbell, starting to look impatient. She goes to knock when the door is opened by a matronly woman in a faded grey suit.

"Ah, hello. You must be the Striders. Come on in." The wizened woman steps aside and gestures you through to a room that is as dark and depressing as the outside of the orphanage. "Feel free to go where ever… if you find one you want, let me know." You're filled with disgust for the way she's referring to the children, as if they were animals, or swords, or computers.

You wander through the house, and while you see many well behaved kids, you don't really connect with any of them. You're about to suggest that you try looking somewhere else, but then Latula pulls you toward what must be the only door in the place you haven't explored.

The room is pitch black, the only light coming from the door you just opened. In the middle of the room there is a five year old boy, holding hands with a toddler while she colored. The girl couldn't have been more than two and a half, and she was very cute.

Seeing you enter the room, the boy pulls the other child into a protective embrace. "Who are you?" You decide instantly that you like him.

"I could ask you the same thing, little dude. Why are you to up here all alone in the dark?" The kid looks up at you, and as soon as you lock eyes with him, you see them. His eyes are a radiant red, something that he would sure to be picked on for. The boy shrugs, holding the petite girl even closer.

"It's easier for her to color in the dark." His answer is not at all what you were expecting. At this point, the child in question looks up and you realize why it would be easier for her to color in the dark. Her eyes are a pale blue and slightly unfocused, and it's easy to see that she's blind.

Latula leans in and looks at the coloring book page as the door opens even wider.

"There you two are!" It's the woman from earlier, and she looks more than mildly frustrated with this turn of events. "Mr. and Mrs. Strider, this is Dave and Teresa. " The boy makes a strangled noise.

"Her name is Terezi!" The woman shrugs and continues.

"Teresa is blind, and Dave has a genetic disorder called ocular albinism. Ocular albinism is a rare disorder here the cornea has absolutely no filters for light of any kind, which is why he likes to stay in here. Bright lights distress him," she pauses and turns to Latula. "Have you decided which one you want?"

"Yes, I have!" Latula grins at me and I know that we're on the same wavelength. "These two. Fill out these forms," she shoves the paperwork at the woman, "and we'll take the kids and not report how terrible the conditions here are. Deal?" The woman looks distinctly uncomfortable as she nods. "Radical."


	3. Dirk: Welcome home

**[A/N: At this point, I'm going to be uploading chapters in ~500 word chunks. I'd say sorry, but I'd rather update a bunch of little times rather than one big time. Just my preference. Feel free to leave comments and suggestions. Thanks - AP.]**

"I'm not going to call you 'Dad'." A petulant voice pipes up from the backseat of your car. You check the rearview mirror and notice that the poor kid's got his eyes covered up.

"Alright," you shrug, reaching for your spare pair of shades. You grab them a toss them into the back seat. "If I let you keep these, will you call me 'Bro'?" He puts them on, amazed. He ponders the idea, his shaded glare burning into the back of your neck. He makes eye contact with you through the rearview mirror and nods.

Beside him, Terezi licks a hardcover book systematically. You don't understand it why, but you'll talk to her about it when you get back to the apartment.

An hour later you pull into the designated parking space for your apartment and help everyone out of the car. The apartment only has two bedrooms, so everything is going to be a little cramped for a few months, but Latula is already looking into renting one of those suburban cookie cutter monstrosities.

You pick up Terezi, and your wife grabs Dave's hand as you start up the stairs. Inside, you take the few belongings the kids had and place them in the second bedroom.

"Here's your new room, guys. What do you think?" You ask, surveying the neatest room in the house, complete with a bunk bed and a giant toy chest. Terezi toddles in, followed closely by Dave, who doesn't trust anyone but himself to keep his little sister safe. She sits down in the middle of the room and takes a big whiff of her surroundings.

"It smells like oranges. I like it!" She pronounces, her description of the room's smell eerily close to color paint you used on the walls. You give her the stuffed dragon you'd bought earlier in the week, and she happily slobbers all over it.

Latula walks in and crouches next to the happy toddler.

"Hey, Terezi. Why do you lick everything?" She asks, and you aren't sure whether or not to point out that, as a toddler, she probably doesn't know why. The toddler looks up, her blank stare piercing Latula's.

"I like how the colors taste." She can taste colors? No way. No freaking way. This requires some immediate in-depth experimentation.

"Really?" Your hear your moirail ask while you gather up some objects of different colors. "What color is your dragon?"

"Cherry red," you can practically hear her licking the poor toy's snout. The dragon was, indeed, a bright red color. You hand her the sample card you used when you painted the room. After carefully slobbering all over it, she pronounces the color to be orange. She also correctly guesses the color of her bedspread (blue), the toy box (purple), and Dave's hair (yellow). Bored with the guessing game, she picks up her dragon, which she names Pyralsprite, and attacks Dave with it. The boy plays along and she chases him around the room. Smiling, you sit on the bottom bunk, reflecting on the fact that your life was never going to be quiet after this.


	4. Latula: Put the kids to bed

You glance around the cramped apartment and sigh. It is entirely too small for a family of four, but convincing the kids that we're just moving houses, and not taking them back was going to be an ordeal. As it happened, Dirk had already secured a nice suburban little house with a backyard pool and picket fence. You were in charge of packing up non essentials around the house while the kids weren't paying attention, a difficult task with seven-year old Dave around.

Your phone rings and you answer it, hearing Dirk's voice on the other line. Your relationship with him was purely platonic, but you'd always thought that if you had been into anyone, it would have been Dirk.

"Yo, I just got hit with the best idea," he begins, not bothering with the small talk. "The kids need to learn how to swim, because the new house has a pool. While the kids are at the lessons, I'll finish packing everything up and drive it to the new house. After lessons, bring them straight here."

You nod, forgetting that he can't see you nod over the phone.

"Sounds excellent!" He hangs up, leaving you with the dial tone. You slip the phone back into your pocket and go to tell the kids. "Hey guys!" you announce, walking into their train wreck of a bedroom. Besides wanting to give Tz and Dave different rooms, you also hope that after the move their rooms will be cleaner. The children in the room look up at you from their game, which seemed to include dragons and knights, as per usual. "We're going to the pool tomorrow!" Terezi immediately starts bouncing up and down, like she always does when plans are announced, while Dave just stares at you from behind his shades.

Glancing around the room, you see that it's almost bedtime for the kids.

"Alright guys, get ready for bed. If you're ready in ten minutes, I'll read you a story, deal?" Dave nods gravely, and Terezi pauses to look up at you. Sometimes, it's really difficult to remember that she's blind, especially when she's looking right at you like this.

"Will you read the one about the dragon?" She asks, as if you had ever read her any other bedtime story since she started requesting them.

"Of course," You respond, like you do every night.

"Radical!" You grin at her word choice, obviously scavenged from your vernacular as she runs off to go get ready for bed. Dave looks at you and frowns, clearly unhappy with whatever he perceives as going on. Eventually, he turns away and starts to do his own evening routine, walking out of the bedroom.


	5. Feferi: Teach

Your name is Feferi Peixes and you are thirty years old. You have been teaching swimming lessons at an indoor pool for ten years and you don't plan on stopping anytime soon. However, today is the first day with an entirely new set of kids, and that's always the hardest day. Your new bunch has five kids, with an age range between four and seven, which is a large class for you, but you have no doubt that you'll manage.

"Could I have Dave, Terezi, Karkat, Aradia, and John for their swimming lesson now, please?" You call, standing by the entrance to the pool. The kids line up in front of you and you open the door for them as they all troop in. "Alright, guppies! Who's ready to learn how to swim?" You ask, stepping onto the small set of stairs that leads into the pool.

The children sit down on the top step, and you smile brightly. "Let's go around so that I can get everyone's name, alright?" You say, pointing at the tallest boy, a blonde with sunglasses. "You go first!"

"I'm Dave and I am not your fish," he frowns, sullenly. You get the distinct feeling that he's going to be a problem later on, but you carry on. The kid next to him is a short boy with messy black hair who looks distinctly uncomfortable. You notice that while the other children have their feet dangling in the water, he doesn't even have his body anywhere near it. You nod to the kid, and his eyes widen.

"Karkat. Karkat Vantas," He offers grumpily. He stares at the water for a while more, before scooting back.

"Would you like to get in?" you ask him, trying to coax him into the pool.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"No no no no no no no no no no," He pauses for breath and keeps on yelling. "Nonononononononononononononononononononono!" The repeated word becomes a refrain and he's just listening to himself now, but you can't force a kid to get in the pool. In the meantime, you decide to ignore him temporarily and move on.

You nod at the next one, a girl that looks to be about three. Her eyes are blank and she doesn't respond to your nod, so you assume that she must be the one they warned you about. She's blind, or so you were told, but she got into the pool alright. Dave nudges her and she looks up at you.

"I can't see." You squeeze your eyes shut, not understanding.

"You're blind, right?" You ask gently, trying to figure out why this is such a new thing to her.

"Yeah, but I can usually tell colors. I can't here!" the girl's voice starts to rise into hysteria, obviously terrified. "I can't tell! I can't sense anything! What color is it?" She begins to wail and your heart breaks a little bit.

"Shhh, Terezi, you'll get used to it. Shhhh." You say quietly, pulling her into a hug.

You nod at the last two who mutter that their names are 'Aradia' and 'John'. Karkat stops screaming when John speaks, and actually crawls closer to the boy and therefore the water. John turns towards him and smiles, patting the space next to him, where Karkat promptly plops down. The child in your arms stops crying and you can finally start your lessons.


End file.
